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Fertility Friday

  • Writer: Admin
    Admin
  • Jan 31, 2020
  • 6 min read

Fertility Friday... is that even a thing?!

Well, today it is! I’ve been debating on when to write this for a while. Tomorrow, February 1st, marks a year to the day since I got a positive pregnancy test that lead to Roo.

I wanted to be excited. I really did. But I wasn’t. I had gotten a positive pregnancy test in November of 2018 and lost the baby just 5 days later. I was in a dark place for a month or so after that.

I really blamed myself for losing that baby. I ran a marathon in the beginning of November and I just wondered if me pushing my body that much while pregnant (in all reality, I was pregnant... very very early... when I ran it... And I pushed myself to get that PR) is what caused the miscarriage.

Aaron and I sort of quit trying to get pregnant. Not actively anyways. We had been trying for over a year and a half with no luck, and then lost one when we finally did get pregnant....

We had tried two rounds of clomid... that drug was awful, my hormones were alllll over the place. And it also didn’t work for us.

I was just over trying. We had Lynnleigh and she was perfect. I was fine with being a mom of one. In fact, it took some convincing from Aaron to make me want another child after her.

So when I got that positive, I showed it to Aaron and he wasn't even sure there was a line there... After all it was super faint.

I didn't try to surprise him in a cute way or let Lynnleigh tell him with a cute shirt. It was no different than talking about whose turn it was to feed the dogs. Looking back, it's sad how I indifferent I was.

But that's kind of what a miscarriage does to you. It literally steals the joy from future pregnancies.

We set up blood work to test my HcG levels... they were low. Almost too low. They kept testing them, I had blood drawn every other day for about a week. I didn't really "feel" pregnant. I kept running and doing everything like normal. Just ignoring the fact that I may be pregnant... I figured I was going to lose this one, too.

When the levels were high enough that they should have been able to see something on an ultrasound, they brought me in. The ultrasound tech was less than enthused about anything, so she wasn't offering us any peace of mind.

When she performed the ultrasound, she saw nothing. NOTHING.

My levels were over 12,000, so they should have seen something. Or maybe they were over 8,000. I can't remember. Either way, there should have been something to see at that ultrasound. But nope. Just black space. I was so upset.

The ultrasound tech was indifferent... She basically told us that rarely do people come back and see something so we shouldn't get our hopes up. Gee thanks.

We spoke to our doctor and she recommended that I have some shot, I think it was called Methotrexate, to end the pregnancy. She figured it was ectopic and needed to be ended. Most of the time, I go with doctor recommendations. I'm not at all saying she should not have recommended that, given the circumstances many doctors would have. Aaron and I just both had a bad feeling about taking the shot and we asked to wait, despite her warning that I could end up in the ER with a ruptured fallopian tube should we not take the shot (which would make it even harder to get pregnant again). Still, we just didn't feel good about making that decision.

We convinced her to give us 4 days and get another ultrasound. If nothing was there, then I'd take the shot.

Four days later, a very emotional four days later, we entered the room to a different ultrasound tech. My friends and I had went to the altar at church the Sunday before and I had basically told God that whatever comes out of this, it was His will and His way and I would accept it. Even if I wasn't very happy about it.

This ultrasound tech was so upbeat. She said it would be rare if we saw something, but it's possible. She was trying to give us some hope without completely making us think we were going to see something. If you have ever had an ultrasound, you know they don't turn on the screen for you to see anything until they look first and see if everything is ok/not ok. So I basically just stared at her face real awkward like while she took the first look.

As soon as she turned on the ultrasound, her face absolutely lit up. She couldn't have hidden it if she wanted to. She squealed a little and immediately turned on the screen for us to see. She exclaimed, "I see something!! It's there! It's little, but it's there!!"

And there she was. Little Roo, just a gestational sack, but there.

I cried my eyes out. Aaron cried. The ultrasound tech cried. It was just a big cry fest.

We FaceTimed my parents that were sitting in the parking lot like the stalkers they truly are ;) They were so excited. They also had to leave to go get Lynnleigh for us because we were still waiting on the doctor to come in. We also FaceTimed Paula a few minutes later... I got this reaction.

The doctor FINALLY came in (the wait felt like forever). She commended us for going with our gut and not taking the shot. She said she was very happy with the way everything looked and that my levels were increasing so quickly to be prepared to possibly see twins at the next ultrasound. Whoa, there lady. I just want one more.

Luckily she was wrong again ;)

I was excited, but constantly nervous. The second pregnancy was not nearly as easy as the first. I had a really hard time connecting with Reid like I did Lynnleigh. I just always had a little voice in the back of my mind that told me she could be taken from me at any moment. I had that feeling until I heard her cry for the first time.

When she finally made her entrance, she took a second to cry. But when she did I was so relieved.

The wait for her was ridiculous. I was so confused as to why it took us (literally) a month to get pregnant with Lynnleigh but almost 2 years to get Reid here. They call it secondary infertility. It's a difficult place to be in. You are upset you can't add one more to your family, but you also feel like you have to be sensitive to the fact that there are couples out there that would be completely happy and satisfied with just one. It's an emotional roller coaster, for sure.

Reid's birth story is for another day, but what I did take away from her conception/pregnancy/birth, was that God's timing is perfect. I cannot imagine not having Reid. And the fact is, if the pregnancy I lost would have proceeded, there would be no Roo. God has special plans for this kid, and I cannot wait to see what they are. As impatient as I was (and still am about everything), she was completely worth the wait and I would have waited many more years just to meet her sweet face!

Infertility is a tough road to walk. I'm here if you ever need to talk about it, I know other people, too, that are open to talking about their experiences. Just know you're not alone!

ANNNNNND as far as running goes, yesterday was a rest day because I FINALLY GOT MY HAIR COLORED. My hair lady is having a rough time with some discs that is making it almost impossible for her to do hair. As much as that sucks for me and my greys, I can't imagine how much pain she is in! I'm hoping she gets to feeling much better soon! I know she is ready to get it all over with!! I looked super great on my ride home ;)

BUT, after I dried it- no greys!!!

I had a LaBoo pickup and rushed to get out the door... Forgot to switch shoes. Oops.

Nap cuddles are my favorite... We napped while Lynnleigh was in gymnastics, she insisted Aaron's mother take her, not us. Drama.

The girls took a bath and we got to bed. I love easy nights!

Today I get my nails done AND get to run with Paula. Crazy Friday afternoon scheduled for me!!! ;)

I hope you all have a great day!

Don't forget, I am here if you want to talk. I also know other people that are very open to talk. Infertility sucks but you are not alone!!

 
 
 

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